Balance

For the past few months, I have been simply overwhelmed by the number and caliber of joys in my life.  I have approached others, just overflowing with wonder, and asked them, "You know how when it rains it pours?  When so many people's lives are an absolute shit-storm all at the same time?  Did you know that can happen with the good stuff too?"

So many things have led up to this time in my life.  I have been blessed with a richness beyond compare.  But most of the richness has been tempered by trial.  I am reminded this last week why that is so important.

As the incredible, overwhelming wonders of this pregnancy are met with "possible complications" these last few days, I have struggled to keep my head up a couple of times.  And this will continue to happen as we make just a few more doctor's appointments than originally expected, and as we find out more.  But the thought I can't shake all day and all night is about where joy comes from.

Without strife, there is no such thing as joy.  If life were easy, there would simply be no context for happiness.  The good would be whitewashed by all the other, constant good.  If we didn't experience the occasional shit-storm- these long weeks of so very many things challenging us and our strength all at the same time- we would be found taking the rest of it for granted.

At the end of today, I find myself being grateful for these days of overwhelming stress.  Thank you, Life, for giving me some perspective.  For keeping my life so rich that I don't risk taking ANY of it for granted.  That long, long before my "wise" years I am fortunate enough to see my blessings in front of my face and to recognize the significance of so many wonderful details.  And for reminding me that no matter how scary it may be to get there (especially up against some of my expectations and hopes), whatever else we may learn, I am still about to be a Mom, which is all I've ever wanted.  And I was smart (okay- and lucky) enough to wait until my kid could have a great mom and the very best dad. Ever.

I am full of gratitude and love right now, and I hope you can feel it too...

Being "Szymanski"

Before Matt and I got married, I asked him, "So... would you like for me to take your name?  Because if you do, you'll have to tell me."  I had just never envisioned myself taking anyone else's last name.  Of course now, being in love with someone I am about to marry, I will happily consider changing my mind- he just doesn't ever ask me for very much... And he continued with that trend.  He wanted to make sure I had thought of it all, so I wouldn't discover later that I did need to have the same last name as my kids (and we laughed at the idea that both of us could hyphenate...).  Beyond my need to be "non-traditional" (this is hardly the only aspect of our wedding that wasn't traditional- but more on that later) and my frustration that not only was I not leaving my family behind, but the Biermans weren't paying the Szymanskis a dowry for my hand either, I figured out WHY I had just always thought I'd be a Szymanski.
For 32 years, a huge part of my identity has been wrapped up in my last name.  It all began with my need as an adolescent to be validated- and my siblings are cut from the same cloth as I am.  Then, our "Us against the World" stance through the many trials of early (way too early) adulthood gave me the fiercest sense of pride.  And while it may be difficult to stomach good-intentioned lumping us all together tendencies (because we are, in fact, all vastly different people), there is a point.  There seems to be something very distinct about being a Szymanski.  Perhaps it is this way with all families, who knows?
And getting married was not going to change my identity.  I was not about to make a massive transition from being single to becoming Somebody's Wife.  Matt and I were simply making official what had been unofficial.
I have continued to brood over things like this.  I am ridiculously introspective by nature, and there are so many massive things going on in my life.  I have used this time to let people know that it is possible to get everything you've ever wanted, and all at the same time.  But with a baby coming, a marriage, a new home, settling down, and so much more- is it possible to hold on to those same things that have always made me a Szymanski?  Is it even possible for my identity not to change?  Who knows?  But through sharing, I intend to find out.